I Wrote On My Hand Too . . . . . In 4th Grade!

OK, I admit, the whole crib-notes-on-the-hand thing had me going there for a minute or two. I honestly thought it was a big joke, you know, like it was all PhotoShopped or something, and after awhile Sarah-From-Moosejaw would give us the punch line, and we'd all chuckle. But alas, I'm naive. The High-Priestess of Conservative Values really did use her hand as a cheat-sheet as she stumped-for-dollars and did the obligatory talk show thing during her most recent whistle stop tour. She's in demand these days, our sexy Sarah Smile. Best-selling author, Fox commentator, tea party headliner. I swear I heard her next big gig may be to replace Mr. Las Vegas as Mrs. Las Vegas. Hey, Wayne, who knew the lady could wrap a mean Danke Shon, play 15 different instruments and top it off with a little bit of the ol' soft shoe? That's a talented woman, by golly.

And you thought we weren't taking the Hockey Mom-In-Chief seriously! I mean come on, what's not to take seriously? Here's a woman who literally fell from the Aurora Borealis and landed smack in the middle of a national, paradigm-shifting presidential campaign only to torpedo her own chances and those of her beloved national hero running mate by simply opening her mouth and ransacking the Republican party expense account - repeatedly. Oh, but it was the fault of her handlers, remember? She would have been all too happy to outfit herself at Bass Pro Shops, but no, they had to have a full makeover, and only Neiman Marcus would do. Oh, and by the way, those snowmobile racing onesies just won't do, Todd. We'll need you to schedule some quality time at N-M too. And hey, swing by Brooks Brothers while you're at it. We want the FFG (Future First Guy) to look all presidentially and stuff.

Isn't it ironic, that less than nine months after qualifying for the Guiness Book of World Records for the largest-ever department store return-for-credit, the Wonder of Wasilla can afford to buy just about any item of couture her little bridge-to-nowhere-lovin' heart desires. Thanks to mammoth hard-cover sales of Going Rogue, a big fat contract with Fox and speaking fees topping $100K per, the Darling of Danali is rapidly on the rise again, as well as on the verge of being Forbes-listed. Only in America! God, I love this country. (I hear the Smithsonian already has a space reserved for her iconic eyewear. Working title: How Sarah Saw Things)

So, Sarah, now that we're really supposed to be taking you seriously, when are we going to hear some genuine, thoughtful, proprietary intellectual property spill out of your mouth instead of the kitschy, cutesy, wrap-the-flag-around-me, ah shucks, gun-totin', you betcha, Obama's-palling-around-with-terrorists falderol you simply re-package on a week-in-week-out basis to the genuine delight of your misguided and apparently fairly shallow supporters? I mean, that's the least we can ask from someone who aspires to be chief executive of the most powerful nation on the planet. On second thought, keep doin' what yer doin'. Yep, take the money and run, don't look back, and smile all the way to the Bank of Wasilla. The heck with this runnin' for president thing. You should really consider teaming up with Ann Coulter. You'd knock 'em dead on The Strip as the Abbott & Costello (or maybe that's Andy & Barney) of the Ranting Right. Our country would be safer for it, and Mr. Las Vegas could ride off into the sunset, at peace with his legacy.

Ya know, all this jawin' and outdoorsy references, and small townsy references and Neiman Marcusy references just leaves me . . .

. . .Wishin' I Was Fishin'