Hey, Mad Men, Step Up For The Prez

If you've ever seen an episode of Mad Men on television then you'll understand why Madison Avenue should come to the aid of our President as attorneys general from nearly half the states in the union file suit against the goverment on the grounds that the healthcare bill is unconstitutional. Unconstitutional because it forces U.S. citizens to buy something - in this case, insurance. For all intents and purposes, Madison Avenue has, in it's own verrrrry persuasive way, been forcing us to buy stuff for the better part of the past century and nobody's suing them! Ergo, support the prez, Mad Men, or you may be next in line to get sued! Slippery slope and all that.

I mean, come on, looking back, don't you feel like you were coerced, at least a little, when you bought that Coca-Cola thinking you'd be in perfect harmony with the rest of the world? Or how about the first Marlboro you ever smoked after seeing how devastatingly cool the Marlboro man was. Why on earth would anyone have ever purchased a Pinto or a Gremlin if advertising hadn't made them so appealing? And what about that cute little Corvair? My own brother had two of them back in the '60s. Fortunately, he's still alive to tell about it. I believe it was America's consumer guardian angel, Ralphie Nader himself, who made his bones getting everyone to realize what a disaster that product was. Wasn't selling the Corvair to an unsuspecting, gullible public borderline unconstitutional? I mean, come on, where in the flashy advertising, even in the caveat emptor fine print, was the word "deathtrap" included?

So, my point is, while technically, advertising doesn't force us to buy things, theoretically, it does. The rise of comsumerism in the early 20th century, driven by the industrial revolution in partnership with Madison Avenue, drove us to buy things we really didn't need. And we've been doing it with gusto ever since. We just don't feel forced. We can't help it. Like lemmings, we blindly line up before dawn at the doors of St. Apple Cathedral for a chance to be the first to acquire an iPad. I dare say not one of those early adopters would admit to being forced to buy an iPad, but deep in their subconscious, there wasn't an ice cube's chance in hell they would forego such a cutting-edge opportunity. "Honey, did the second mortgage come through yet? We've got to get down to the Apple store before all the iPads are gone! Oh, and don't forget your iPhone. And bring my iPod. We might be stuck in line for awhile."

Remember when the government told us we had to wear seatbelts? That was a much more subtle and circuitous route to making us buy something. They pulled that off by requiring the auto makers to make seat belts standard in all vehicles years before actually telling us we had to wear them. If you want to buy a car, you'll be buying the seat belts with it, because it doesn't come any other way. No one screamed about that at the time because, hey, "I'll show them. I just won't wear the damn things. You can put 'em in there, but you can't make me wear 'em! Ha!" Last time I checked, in my home state of Florida, an officer can legally stop me on the highways and byways for nothing more than not wearing my seat belt. I believe the clever Madison Avenue tag line is "Click It, Or Ticket." Sly devils they were way back when. But really, you say, that's different. Seat belts save lives. Oh, OK. Adequate health insurance for everyone won't save lives? Explain that to me.

So, here we are, once again being told by our government that we have to do something - buy something - because we'll all be better protected. Safer. Key word there is A-L-L. It will better protect ALL of us. Now, I don't necessarily agree with everything that's in the new healthcare bill, and I do encourage civil and healthy debate over what ultimately should be included in the bill, but unconstitutional? Come on, Attorney General McCollum. You're running for governor of Florida so you took advantage of your position and grabbed the lead on this thing to impress your GOP cronies. You know, it's against the law in Florida to drive a motor vehicle if you don't have automobile insurance. So, I Look Like Alfred P. Newman McCollum, as attorney general of the state of Florida, you force me to buy insurance. Why, that's unconstitutional! I must write my legislators! It's my God-given right to get behind the wheel of my car without insurance and t-bone a couple of my neighbors. Let them sue me if they want me to pay for the damages, but by God I shouldn't be forced to buy insurance! Right? Where's that Tea Party when I need them?

You know, I'm trying very hard not to become cynical. After all, in the words of H.L. Mencken, "A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." I have to admit though, it's getting tough. The forces on the far left and those on the far right are beating the centrists and moderates to a pulp. Look at Florida's own governor, Charlie Crist, widely acknowledged as a centrist Republican. He's been pilloried and abandoned by his own party to the point where he declared himself non-affiliated so he could still run for the U.S. Senate. Now, I've never been a big Charlie fan, but to watch him crucified by his now-former party because he gave a man-hug to the Prez and accepted stimulus money, is an absolute disgrace. It's bad enough the Republicans have lost all perspective. Now they're actually eating their own!

So, come on Mad Men. You've got plenty of attorneys on your payrolls too, not to mention the creativity you so adeptly employ to force us champion consumers to buy your wares. How about offering a little pro bono support to the Prez so he can fend off these marauding states' barristers who cloak themselves in the Constitution. After all, if I have to buy auto insurance, I might as well have to buy health insurance. I might slip and fall or take ill some day, you know, and I wouldn't want my neighbors to be on the hook for my care, now would I.

. . .Wishin' I Was Fishin'